October 2012

Dear Friends,

It is October. In the secular calendar, this means settling into the rhythms of school and fall, raking leaves, and getting ready for Halloween. In the Jewish calendar, it means winding down from the holidays, and starting the cycle of Torah all over again.

This past Simchas Torah, while taking a break from dancing, I heard a teaching from my friend Max that I want to share with you.

In Breishit, the first weekly portion of the Torah, we read the famous story of how Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and of how God expels them from the Garden of Eden.

For centuries, the Rabbis have asked, how could Adam and Eve be so reckless? After all, we have 613 commandments to wrestle with and they only had a paltry single prohibition – and still they messed up! Was following one clear-cut rule really so hard? What happened?

According to Rabbi Shlomo Carlebach, the great 20th century storyteller and musician, the problem was in the transmission. God spoke only to Adam and just gave him a simple declarative “Don’t do it,” while Eve didn’t even hear the original command. So, when Adam passed instructions on to Eve, he was in no position to engage her on the topic, or help her think about why this might be an important rule to follow. As a result, when Eve considered eating the fruit, she didn’t feel particularly bound by the prohibition.

In Rabbi Carlebach’s version of the story, he emphasizes how Adam’s poor instructions and lack of personal engagement led to Eve’s transgression. In my opinion, God and Adam both share the blame, since neither explained why the fruit was forbidden, or talked about it based on the listener’s worldview

Either way, the lesson is the same. If we want people to follow what we say, and hope that they will similarly influence others in turn, we cannot just peremptorily tell them “Because I said so.” Obedience has its place, but if we want our family, friends, co-workers and the wider community to listen to us, we need to meet people where they are, and explain why our message is important based on their perspective and priorities.

For example, if I tell a teen, “Don’t smoke,” at a certain point, my authority may not overcome the allure of friends trying out something new and edgy. It almost certainly won’t be enough for her to convince her friends not to smoke. But if I talk to the teen about the health risks of smoking, and think with her about why people smoke and what to do in a tempting situation, that teen is more likely to internalize the message and carry it with her even when I’m not there – and just maybe she’ll be able to persuade her friends as well.

I believe this is true also with all of the commitments we made over the high holidays: they only work when we find ways to remind ourselves not only of what we want to change, but also how and why.

So, this Fall, as the rigors of school will invite many of you to need to tell your kids what to do (and what you hope other kids will do too), I encourage you to take a lesson from Breishit and avoid God and Adam’s mistake — take the time to talk to your loved ones about why your instructions to them are important..

L’shalom, Rabbi Margie